Top 10 Therapy takeaways- Circle of control

(text AI generated, mistakes included)

The top 10 therapy takeaways. These are things that I hope every client I see leaves with that we have touched on at some point in therapy, and I feel like are just important things to navigate life to help us be the best person that we can be and helping you to be living our best life.

Our number one that we're starting with today is talking about circle of control, the things that are inside of our control and things that are outside of our control. Sadly, most things that happen in life are out of our control. as a control person, I don't always like this. I like to be in control or maybe just feel like I'm in control.

Whether it's kids or life or the weather, we really don't have control over anything outside of ourself. If it isn't within me, it's probably not within my control. And if it isn't in my control, how much should it be affecting my overall mood? How much should I allow myself to worry about it? Which is also a key point because a lot of those things cause us more worry.

And what can I actually do about it? Where is the line between influencing and advocating and controlling? It can all get a little bit blurry. Sometimes I wish I could live in my own bubble, not have the news or social media or outside factors contribute to my thought process. And sometimes it probably is a good thing to go ahead and disconnect. Separate yourself from them.

That doesn't really mean to stick your head in the sand and pretend that life is just butterflies and rainbows. We know that's not true either. However, the problem is we tend to take those newsworthy things, the things that show up on Facebook, the things that always have the headline, as my husband has said in the past, if it bleeds, it leads because they like to throw those things our way. They get stuck in our head and they affect our overall mood and the way we feel in general. Here's an example from several years ago. You guys remember when people stormed into the Capitol? I don't really know who it was or who did it or any of that and I don't care. I just remember the way I felt when it was happening. I remember watching video clips or hearing things about it and it was really upsetting to me. I felt like I was watching a movie or something that was happening in another country.

But definitely couldn't be happening here. And I felt like it just really started to take space in my head. It was bothering me and it was starting to affect how I felt, my mood. I had to take a step back because I know part of that was fear. It felt scary to see these things happening, quote, at home,

I had to be able to think that this is not actually in my control. None of it. I had no control or way to control anything in regards to what was happening hundreds of miles from my home. It was not something that was going to affect my day to day life unless I allowed it to. That's a hard separation to make a lot of times when we're watching things that are social or political because we feel like they're.

Really changing our life. One decision may change everything for us. But if we look at the whole picture, it isn't So that's where we have to make space. The other thing is that these things that we can't control tend to contribute to those anxious and worry feelings.

There was a study out of Cornell University on anxiety that found. That 85% of the things people worry about actually never happen. And that remaining 15% is not as bad as they thought it would be. They could actually handle the things. all those things we worry about that come from the things we can't control are just bad predictions, It's us attempting to figure it out.

I was getting worried. I was getting angry about what was happening. I was letting it affect my emotions. It doesn't mean I have to like it. It doesn't mean that I can't be angry. I'm allowed to feel that way. But I don't want to stay there. I have something in that political realm or the social realm are going on. I can really dislike it. I can be angry. That happens all the time.

But I do have to realize and accept that it's outside of my control. It doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean that I won't take apart, use my voice, take action. It means that I can't stay emotionally hijacked by this situation. Maybe you're an activist and you are really involved and you feel like sometimes that's kind of your call to get up and go and do. And that's awesome.

Please use your voice. Please stand up for what's right. Use your anger for change, but don't let it affect who you are and your overall mood, especially if it's dragging you down, if it's creating anxiety and worry and depression. That's where we have a problem. I'm frustrated when those things affect me or the people that I love. And so I have to take the step back and decide what part is within my control. Being an activist is in my control. Going on a march or a protest or standing up. Those are in my control. That's what I'm doing, right? That's an action I'm taking, and that's awesome. I just don't want it to change who I am, lead me by fear, increase worry or sadness. I get to choose how I react. I get to choose the feelings. I get to choose the words that come out of my mouth. I can control what I do in reaction to these things. But I can't control what's happening. That's where we really have to get in the weeds and what's different. The way I react is not me controlling it. It's me controlling me. So looking back into this circle of control means realizing that once again, all we control is what we say, what we do, how we feel, our reactions, those internal things, right? This concept really is important for our life in general if we want to be our best self.

It doesn't have to be the raids on the capital. It might be that one of my children is doing something I really don't like. And pretty much if you have children, they're going to do things you really don't like. It probably happens every day. With my adult children, I have even less control or perceived control, maybe that's the right word. It's their turn to figure out their life.

And there's oftentimes they make choices that I do not agree with. I can be a sounding board for them. I can give them advice. I hope that I have passed on values and that I've had an influence. I share my opinions, although sometimes very carefully, as with adult children, that can be interesting to navigate. But I can't control it. The truth is I can't even control a ten year old and neither can you. My hope is that they eventually comply. I can institute consequences, I can give rewards, I can talk to them, I can hopefully be a positive influence in our life. But ultimately they have to comply. Once they pass the age of me picking them up and moving them where I want to be, I truly do not have control. We don't like the way that sounds as parents. We feel like that means we're out of control, that our children are out of control. And that's not the same thing. We like the idea of being in control of our family. Influence, teaching, sharing, those are good things, and that's different. But accepting that we don't have control of these things has to be something we do every day and that we work on.

As I mentioned in my intro podcast, I'm a foster mom, so you're going to hear all the different foster stories and how they work in these top ten things. So I work a lot in this world, both personally and professionally. And I can get super frustrated with the system in general. I don't like things that happen in the system. I don't like when I feel like kids are becoming numbers. I don't like moves that they make that I feel are not in the best interest of the child, but they're looking at the interest of the adults.

My job is to take care of the kids. To make the kids feel seen, heard, and valued, to be loved, to be cared for. That's what I do. However, I can't control the system. I can advocate for change. I can stand up for my kids. And I assure you that I have gone round and round with caseworkers and the system in general. I will fight, I will stand up, and hopefully I will influence change.

I have definitely filed complaints, gone to supervisors, directors, and vice presidents, and I believe that is something I'm supposed to do. That is within my control. I can be a voice. I should use my voice. But ultimately, I still don't control what happens. I don't control what the judge decides. He may move a kid suddenly. Literally, I've had this happen in 30 minutes from the phone call to the child that will be picked up and moved.

And I was angry for this child. I had no control over it. There was absolutely nothing I could do to stop this. I still loved on this kid. I cried with him as we waited and packed his things. I was feeling a lot of anger. But once it was done, I had to hope and pray that what was happening was going to turn out good for him. I had to let some of that anger go because otherwise it was going to affect who I was.

It was gonna affect how I showed up for my kids, how I showed up as a wife, as a therapist, as a friend. I had to let go of some of that because I really couldn't control it. The same is true when we've had a kid leave to go home. I'm not ready most of the time. And a few times I have felt completely shattered. But I still couldn't control what the outcome was.

I still had to just do my part. It really is important that I make the distinction between sticking my head in the sand, not caring, and not controlling. I want you to stand up. I want you to be involved. I don't want you to sit back and say, Well, I'm out of control. I can't do any of this, so I'll just sit here and see what happens to me. That's not what we want. What we want.

is to reduce the anxiety we're feeling, to reduce the worry. We want to be able to control how we react. And maybe that is being angry and maybe it is being really angry and maybe it is being sad, but we don't want to stay there. Often I work with people that are mad at someone else and often I agree with them. But we can't control that other person.

Whether it's a spouse, a kid, a boss, a co-worker, a fellow student, we can't actually control what they're doing to us or around us. And I often tell clients that if this isn't someone you would seek advice from, someone that you consider a good friend, you need to stop letting what they do affect your everyday life.

That is where you are losing control of the one thing that you get to control. That person that you don't even like is now controlling you. We don't want to let someone else do that. We want to take back our control. I have to take it back and stop letting anyone else have control over me. I hope this is something that has been helpful to you. Understanding what is inside and outside of your circle of control.

Again, a lot of this information maybe you've heard, but I do think these are aspects that improve our life. I thank you for joining me for these 10 minutes. I hope you will come back for episode two. And I hope that you don't just have a great day, but you make it a great day.

Circle of control graphic